Trying

I want to be the best.  I want to do it all.  I want to be all things to all people.  And, I want to do it flawlessly.  I want to be the best wife, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, employee, runner, cook, Christian, housekeeper, musician, writer... the list goes on.  Whatever I do, I want to do it well.  Better than everyone else.

And it's exhausting.

This is nothing new.  I've always had a mean competitive streak.  A character trait that is somewhat helpful in a game of cards, but not always so helpful in life.  I often even find myself unwittingly 'competing' against no one in particular, rather my own idea of perfection.  A goal completely unattainable.  And so I fail.

Then, when I inevitably fail, the only option that remains is to try harder.  You can deduce the downward spiral from there.

Lately, through divinely placed books, conversations, and wise, loving friends, this particular issue has been brought to the forefront of my mind.  Ever so slowly, I am being taught how imperative it is that I let go of this cycle of striving.  Life seems much more manageable when I think that I can control my surroundings.  Funny thing is, that couldn't be farther from the truth.

What I need is not to be all things to all people.  What I need is not to be the best at whatever I put my hand to.  What I need is to fail.  I need to recognize how truly broken, needy, incapable, and far from perfection I really am. And until I do, I will not be living the life that glorifies the One who is worthy.  For it is in my weakness that His strength is revealed.

I write this, not as one who has come, seen, and conquered.  I write as one who is yet in the midst of the battle.  The war rages, the blood stains; yet I must - in His strength - continue to fight to seek and obtain the freedom, the peace that comes with releasing my self-inflicted burden at the foot of the Cross, for He promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

May I ever step aside so that when others look at me, I disappear and they see Him.

"What heights of love, what depths of peace... When fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
My Comforter, my All in All... Here in the Love of Christ, I stand."    - In Christ Alone

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