on worry...

I'm a worrier.  I have always been a worrier.  I worry that my family will die before I do, I worry that the future won't turn out the way I think it should, I worry that I will be a horrible parent, I worry that a snake will come up from the abyss and bite me when I'm using a Port-a-Potty.  Rational or irrational, I worry.

I'm a planner.  I have always been a planner.  I meticulously attempt to plan my next day, week, month, year, lifetime.  I plan hypothetical situations, I plan real situations.  I like to be in control. (or at least think that I am)

For as long as I can remember, I have excused my worrying and over-planning as a quirky character trait.  By simply assuming the title of "worrier" and "planner," I excuse away the root of those issues:

My lack of trust in the One who created the Universe.

My lack of trust in the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.

Over the last few days, (and for no apparent reason) I have been overly wracked with both worry and the need to plan (to be in control of the situation should my irrational worries come to fruition).  Lying in bed at night, my mind has a tendency to spin out of control... horribilizing(totally a word) hypothetical situations that may very well never come true.  I guess that I figure, if I can anticipate it, it won't be so bad when if it happens.

Tuesday night, it was pretty bad.  I felt like I had come to the end of myself and had nothing to cling to but the One who is actually in control.  Through some divinely placed sermons and discussions with friends, the Lord has made it ridiculously evident that I am not in control of this life. And no amount of worrying or planning can change that.  And yet...

How can I not place every bit of trust in the One who holds all things together.  In the One who always has my good in mind.  After all, who, by worrying, can add a single hour to his life?   Slowly, oh-ever-so-slowly, I am learning to unfurl this grasping hand of mine, holding more dearly my Savior and holding more loosely the things (and even the people) of this world.

It's a process. I'm learning. I'm growing. And sometimes, growth kinda sucks.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"  - Matthew 6:25-27



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