November 18, 2011

on my ugliness...

I’m fighting a war.  I am a work in progress.

All too often, I find that I’m balancing on the edge of a precipice as thin and sharp as a razor blade, with envy pulling me one way and the air of indifferent self-righteousness beckoning me the other.  Trying to strike the perfect balance of contentment between the two.

I have thought that I was content.  For the longest time, I’ve kept envy at bay – certain that I was living the dream, that everything was perfect.  But then, without any warning and for no apparent reason, this monster has begun to rear its ugly head.

Then it hit me.

For all of that time that I thought I was content, I am realizing that I was really just acting in prideful self-righteousness.  It is all too easy to be "content" when you think that you have it better off than everyone else.
Envy is what happens when you want what they have.  When suddenly, someone else has what you want or is living the life you want.  Envy is what happens when you are comparing yourself to another. And that is way worse, right?  Not really.

That false sense of contentment - the product of self-righteousness - is no less of an attitude of comparison than is envy.  It just feels different.  It feels like all is right with the world...... when compared to someone else's world.

This understanding, this realization, this revelation of my imperfections is hard.  I don’t like knowing that I am flawed.  And yet, I love it.  I love knowing that “He who began a good work in {me}, will be faithful to complete it.”  I love knowing that our Father disciplines those He loves.  I love the He loves me too much to let me stay the way I am.

I’m a work in progress.  You know the sign, “Pardon our mess, we’re renovating,”?  Well, I’m certain that it would be appropriate for me to wear that sign around my neck for, oh say, the next 70 years.

I’m trying to learn how to be content.  How to walk the proverbial line between jealousy and indifferent pride. How to humbly and joyfully embrace where the Lord has me, today.

Clay in the Potter’s hand looks like an ugly, lumpy mess.  So please forgive my ugliness and bear with my lumps, I’m a work in progress.

For my good and for His glory,
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