April 14, 2012

Independence

I'm fairly independent.  I've always been quite independent.

I just spent the last few days exploring the Oakland/San Francisco area on my own.  Part of me loves the independent, jet-setting lifestyle of the young professional.  I love the adventure of exploring a new place.  Nerdy though it may be, I love figuring out new airports and highway systems. I love that feeling of accomplishment.
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And yet, while I love exploring and travelling and discovering new places, I'm learning quickly that - even though I can - it is not as fun to do it alone. This weekend, I saw the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time.  As incredible and awe-inspiring as it was, all I wanted was to share it with Cole.  To pull at his hand in excitement and marvel, "Look at that, Babe!  Let's walk it together!  How long do you think it is?  What do you think it was like while they were building it? Look at the way the fog nests beneath it... Oh man, this is cool!"  Instead, I drank it in alone, memorizing the details to recount to him later.   Not the same.

If I consider myself independent, I suppose the opposite would be 'dependent.'  Not that I am dependent upon Cole, but after nearly two years of marriage, I have gotten to a point of feeling somewhat incomplete without him. I suppose part of me has always craved dependence.  We are created for dependence.

On one hand, my pride tells me that I can do it all as long as I work hard, try hard, and use my head.  The thrill of "going it alone" and succeeding can be exhilarating. Independently, I'll be just fine.  As it turns out, the moment that I begin to believe that, I'm in trouble.  You see, this thinking extends far beyond checking my luggage, getting the keys to my rental car, and flying down I-680.  This "I-can-do-it-on-my-own" mentality has a tendency to encroach upon my faith.

How easily I fall into the trap that I can, singlehandedly, earn my salvation.  How often I must be reminded that there is, indeed, nothing good in me; and it is only because of what He's done that I can live.  In a society that so values the independent, the autonomous, the liberated, may we proudly stand as dependent. Dependent upon the only One who gives life.  Dependent upon the only One in whom hope is found.
Dependent.


In other news, I can't wait to get home and kiss that husband of mine!!


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