November 6, 2012

Amnesia

I did it again.  I forgot.  Now, I know that forgetfulness comes with age, but I'm not ready to claim that as an excuse just yet.  Somehow, I forgot that I don't have to keep trying, I don't have to keep forging ahead on my own, I don't have to lay awake at night worrying in a fruitless effort to control my circumstances.  

He is good.  He is always good.  And He is extraordinarily faithful, even when I am exposed as completely faithless. 

In two specific circumstances this week, we received favorable outcomes to situations about which I had been *somewhat* concerned. (Ha! Understatement.) In both situations, I breathed a sigh of relief and simultaneously marveled at God's goodness and faithfulness to us. 

Then it hit me.  It happened again.  And I realized that my interpretation of that which is good and that which evidences God's faithfulness is incredibly skewed.  So often I view God's goodness as that which answers my prayers as I had hoped or meets a desire or need in the way I wanted.    (Of course, this is only after I'd been worked up with worry, failing to rest and trust.) And, when those good things happen?  Well, sure, I'll happily marvel at the way that, yet again, God has been good to us.  It's pretty easy, actually.  

But when things get hard?  Well, that's when I have a tendency to look to the one person I just know will never fail me.  Me.   And I try harder, and work longer, and worry stronger, and worry stronger.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I may cry out in prayer begging that circumstances change - all along hoping for that favorable outcome that could finally signal that God has not forgotten about me.  But all too often, what I fail to see is that, yes, even in the *seemingly* unanswered prayers and the unfavorable outcomes, God is still good and God is still faithful and God is still El Roi, the God who sees, and I am still a child sinfully whining to get her way, even if 'her way' may lead to destruction.

It amazes me how quickly I forget His past provision.  It's embarrassing how easily I write off trials or frustrations as such, and not as "His Ultimate Good."  So, what do I do now?  Well, I promise to try harder to remember, I resolve not to overlook His workings in my life, I try... I try.... I try... and, there, I've done it again.

And all I can do is repent and pray for the humility to recognize His ongoing faithfulness and goodness in all things.  All things.  And rest in the Grace.  Rest, not work.  Rest and remember.

All is Grace.


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